Charity Shield Final

Athletico Phoenix 1
Evra 16

v

The Dead Parrots 2
Snodgrass 23
Barry 90

(two cancelled cleans)

Athletico Phoenix: Lindegaard; Vertonghen, Evra, Zabaleta, Lowton; Cazorla, Rosicky, Maloney, Morrison; van Persie, Suso       
Subs: Tremmel; Mertersacker; Oxlade-Chamberlain; Rosenberg

The Dead Parrots: Hart; Boyce, Williamson, Nelsen, Riise; Taarabt, Duff, Barry, Routledge; Snodgrass, Lambert               
Subs: Pantilimon; Harte; Obertan; Sh.Ameobi

At St James' Park Newcastle. Att: 50,180

The Charity Shield will be making a metaphorical trip 'down under' after Dean's Parrots lifted the first pot of the season.

The opening goal came on 16 minutes and went the way of the Phoenix. Patrice Evra isn't the tallest by any stretch of the imagination but he glanced a header in from a corner. The lead lasted seven minutes. Robert Snodgrass is making a name for himself as a set-piece specialist and his free-kick curled over the wall and into the corner of the Phoenix goal.

Chances were few and far between in the second half and Robin van Persie came close to putting Brian's team back in front when his volley struck the bar on 66 minutes. It seemed as though the game was drifting towards a replay when, in stoppage time, the Parrots found a controversial winner. Record-signing Gareth Barry rose highest in the penalty area to power home a header but the Phoenix defence were convinced that he'd unfairly climbed over the back one of their rearguard. The referee saw no infringement and it was ultimately the goal that took the trophy to Australia.

How they got there

Semi-finals

Athletico Phoenix 4 The Cheese Makers 1
The Dead Parrots 4 YTFIB 0

Quarter-finals

Athletico Phoenix 3 Aardvark Abacus 2
The Cheese Makers 4 Mega Buck Bandits 1
The Dead Parrots 2 Real Muppets 1
YTFIB 2 Nil Satis Nisi Optimum 0

Week 14 Results

Claymore take another turn on top.

Aardvark Abacus 3 v 0 You Know Your Boston Rock FC
Athletico Phoenix 6 v 1 YTFIB
Claymore Athletic FC 4 v 2 The Fabulous Artisans
Final Fantasy XI 2 v 0 The Cow-Faced Juniors
Nil Satis Nisi Optimum 0 v 2 San Dimas High School
The Cheese Makers 1 v 1 Real Muppets
The Dead Parrots 2 v 1 Fred West Landscape Gardening XI
Trusted By Millions 1 v 3 Mega Buck Bandits

	Team	P	W	D	L	F	A	Diff	Pts
1	Claymore Athletic FC	14	11	1	2	38	21	17	34
2	The Cow-Faced Juniors	14	10	2	2	41	24	17	32
3	Final Fantasy XI	14	8	1	5	27	18	9	25
4	You Know Your Boston Rock FC	14	7	2	5	37	23	14	23
5	Mega Buck Bandits	14	7	2	5	26	20	6	23
6	Real Muppets	14	6	5	3	25	22	3	23
7	Trusted By Millions	14	7	1	6	29	25	4	22
8	Athletico Phoenix	14	6	2	6	31	25	6	20
9	Aardvark Abacus	14	6	1	7	25	22	3	19
10	The Cheese Makers	14	5	3	6	24	26	-2	18
11	The Fabulous Artisans	14	5	3	6	24	26	-2	18
12	The Dead Parrots	14	4	4	6	21	27	-6	16
13	YTFIB	14	3	4	7	17	31	-14	13
14	San Dimas High School	14	4	1	9	23	42	-19	13
15	Nil Satis Nisi Optimum	14	3	1	10	18	35	-17	10
16	Fred West Landscape Gardening XI	14	2	3	9	16	35	-19	9

Claymore are our Christmas number one after ousting the CFJs from top spot. Clive's team were 2-2 after the Artisans' Christian Benteke equalised on 51 minutes but Wayne Rooney and a Goran Popov clean gave The Swordsmen the win. While that was going on the CFJs were suffering only their second defeat of the season, 2-0 to the CFJs. Demba Ba and Yaya Toure got the goals for Ceri who is now 'best of the rest', seven points off second place.

Boston Rock relinquished third after losing 3-0 to old rivals the Aardvarks. Two early goals from Lukas Podolski and Anthony Pilkington set up the win for Ady and Adam Le Fondre finished it off. Did anybody think both Okus teams would be in the top five after 14 weeks? Mega Bucks are in that fifth place (two points behind the missus) after beating Trusted 3-1. A Ryan Shawcross own goal set Dave on the way in this one.

The Muppets and The Cheese Makers finished 1-1 and the teams stay in that middle tranche. Javi Garcia's goal for Matthew equalised by a first of the season from Fraizer Campbell. The Phoenix warmed up for the Charity Shield final with a 6-1 drubbing of YTFIB. Santi Cazorla's hat-trick doubled his tally for the season. Robin van Persie got the opener to take his tally to ten.

Brian's opponents in that Final this weekend are the Dead Parrots. Dean's team warmed up with a win too. Adel Taarabt hasn't always looked like a £10m player but he got both goals and Fred could only reply with a Hugo Lloris clean. The Cromwell Street rebuilding programme may take longer than expected. The basement battle for 14th place went to San Dimas with a 2-0 win over Nil Satis. Theo Walcott broke the deadlock 10 minutes from time.

Week 13 Results

The top two starting to run away with this.

Athletico Phoenix 2 v 2 The Cheese Makers
Fred West Landscape Gardening XI 2 v 5 Nil Satis Nisi Optimum
Mega Buck Bandits 3 v 2 Final Fantasy XI
San Dimas High School 3 v 1 Trusted By Millions
The Cow-Faced Juniors 4 v 1 Real Muppets
The Fabulous Artisans 3 v 3 The Dead Parrots
You Know Your Boston Rock FC 1 v 4 Claymore Athletic FC
YTFIB 1 v 0 Aardvark Abacus

	Team	P	W	D	L	F	A	Diff	Pts
1	The Cow-Faced Juniors	13	10	2	1	41	22	19	32
2	Claymore Athletic FC	13	10	1	2	34	19	15	31
3	You Know Your Boston Rock FC	13	7	2	4	37	20	17	23
4	Final Fantasy XI	13	7	1	5	25	18	7	22
5	Trusted By Millions	13	7	1	5	28	22	6	22
6	Real Muppets	13	6	4	3	24	21	3	22
7	Mega Buck Bandits	13	6	2	5	23	19	4	20
8	The Fabulous Artisans	13	5	3	5	22	22	0	18
9	Athletico Phoenix	13	5	2	6	25	24	1	17
10	The Cheese Makers	13	5	2	6	23	25	-2	17
11	Aardvark Abacus	13	5	1	7	22	22	0	16
12	The Dead Parrots	13	3	4	6	19	26	-7	13
13	YTFIB	13	3	4	6	16	25	-9	13
14	Nil Satis Nisi Optimum	13	3	1	9	18	33	-15	10
15	San Dimas High School	13	3	1	9	21	42	-21	10
16	Fred West Landscape Gardening XI	13	2	3	8	15	33	-18	9

Week 12 Results

It's as you were with the top six all winning and bottom five all losing.

Aardvark Abacus 3 v 1 Athletico Phoenix
Claymore Athletic FC 2 v 1 YTFIB
Final Fantasy XI 4 v 0 San Dimas High School
Nil Satis Nisi Optimum 0 v 2 The Fabulous Artisans
Real Muppets 2 v 1 Mega Buck Bandits
The Cheese Makers 3 v 4 The Cow-Faced Juniors
The Dead Parrots 0 v 4 You Know Your Boston Rock FC
Trusted By Millions 3 v 0 Fred West Landscape Gardening XI

	Team	P	W	D	L	F	A	Diff	Pts
1	The Cow-Faced Juniors	12	9	2	1	37	21	16	29
2	Claymore Athletic FC	12	9	1	2	30	18	12	28
3	You Know Your Boston Rock FC	12	7	2	3	36	16	20	23
4	Trusted By Millions	12	7	1	4	27	19	8	22
5	Final Fantasy XI	12	7	1	4	23	15	8	22
6	Real Muppets	12	6	4	2	23	17	6	22
7	Mega Buck Bandits	12	5	2	5	20	17	3	17
8	The Fabulous Artisans	12	5	2	5	19	19	0	17
9	Athletico Phoenix	12	5	1	6	23	22	1	16
10	Aardvark Abacus	12	5	1	6	22	21	1	16
11	The Cheese Makers	12	5	1	6	21	23	-2	16
12	The Dead Parrots	12	3	3	6	16	23	-7	12
13	YTFIB	12	2	4	6	15	25	-10	10
14	Fred West Landscape Gardening XI	12	2	3	7	13	28	-15	9
15	Nil Satis Nisi Optimum	12	2	1	9	13	31	-18	7
16	San Dimas High School	12	2	1	9	18	41	-23	7

The league is taking on the appearance of a Neapolitan ice cream this week as it divides into three layers. The top six teams are the refreshing strawberry flavour, the middle five are the take it or leave it  depending what mood you're in vanilla, and then we have the brown chocalatey stodgey mess that is the bottom five.

Top of the strawberry layer are the CFJs who keep powering on. Remember the PCMT semi-final when Chris roared into a 3-0 half-time lead but Ben pegged him back for a draw? The reverse happened this week when the Cheese Makers stormed into a three-goal lead in 33 minutes. Sebastian Bassong, Juan Mata and Marouane Fellaini are among Matthew's best performers this season and were all on target. Chris needed all his dodging skills to turn things round and get a result. Carlton Cole and two late on from Michu levelled the game and Geoff Cameron's clean won it, Spare a thought for Matthew who would have beaten anyone else this week. Claymore are managing to keep up with the CFJs but were unconvincing against YTFIB. Clive hasn't got the best out of Wayne Rooney this season but a penalty and close range finish from the England striker proved enough with Julian only finding a Danny Simpson clean in reply.

The Dead Parrots/Boston Rock game was uneventful into Jermain Defoe struck twice in five minutes for Sheriff with around a quarter of an hour left. Defoe has joined Michu at the head of the scoring charts on nine league goals. Chris Smalling and Steven Caulker's clean finished the game off. It was clean sheets all the way for Trusted against Fred. Robert Huth, Phil Jones and Ryan Shawcross keeping Beef just about in touch with the title race.

Final Fantasy took advantage of a San Dimas team with a serious Cup semi-final hangover. Brett Holman smashed Ceri in front on eight minutes, Demba Ba added a penalty five minutes later and Ba struck again, mopping up a rebound, on 21 minutes. I managed not to embarrass myself further until Jose Enrique's clean made it four. The Muppets are the last of our top layer after a come from behind victory over Mega Bucks. Sean Morrison battered a header in on 23 minutes to give Dave the lead on 23 minutes but Carlos Tevez equalised from the spot two minutes before the break. Jose Reina hasn't been at his best this season but got the winning clean for Ryan.

The Artisans had only managed one in the last six league matches but had too much for Nil Satis this week. Cleans from Asmir Begovic and Martin Skrtel proving the difference an getting Ben moving the right way again. Only San Dimas are keeping Paul from being the sloppy chocolate dregs. Have the Aardvarks turned the corner? It's three wins out of four for Ady after beating the Phoenix. Adam Le Fondre opened the scoring with a header on 19 minutes but Robin van Persie equalised 15 minutes later after beating the offside trap. Anthony Pilkington and Craig Gardner were both given too much room by the Phoenix defence on the run up to the break and their fiercely struck shots were too got to handle. It wasn't RvP's best day with a 'goal' being missed by the linesman and an open goal miss in the second half which could have thrown Brian a lifeline.

Paul Cartmell Memorial Trophy semi-final replay result

No respite for Ben this time and the holders are out.

The Cow-Faced Juniors 4 v 0 The Fabulous Artisans

Paul Cartmell Memorial Trophy semi-final results

The multiple winners fall at the semi-final stage, the holders live to fight on.

San Dimas High School 6 v 0 You Know Your Boston Rock FC
The Fabulous Artisans 3 v 3 The Cow-Faced Juniors

I usually start these round-ups with the holders but I think there's a good reason not to this week. Boston Rock love this competition almost as much as I love a cold beer on a warm Christmas morning so part of me is sorry to inflict such a grievous defeat on him. But the other, bigger part is thrilled to be through to the final in such style. Theo Walcott got free in the first minute and his curled shot deflected past Ben Foster for a perfect start for me and there was a great end to the half when Romelu Lukaku smashed home a loose ball. The next goal was always going to be crucial and it came from an ex-Rocker in James Milner who rifled into the top corner from 25 yards to start repaying his transfer fee. Jon Walters header and two clean sheets were the coup de grace.

The holders staged an extraordinary fightback against the league leaders to earn a replay this weekend. The CFJs had raced into a three goal in little more than 15 minutes. Aaron Lennon and Michu scoring from close range and then Gareth Bale's free-kick deceived Asmir Begovic. It was Mario Balotelli's first goal of the season on 69 minutes that set the comeback in motion. Three minutes later a CFJs clearance clattered into Bale's face and flew into his own net and then, with ten minutes left, Christian Benteke powered home a header which means they'll try again at the Drove Stadium.

Charity Shield semi-final results

Athletico get a chance to keep the Trophy in Kingham.

The Cheese Makers 1 v 4 Athletico Phoenix
The Dead Parrots 4 v 0 YTFIB

The holders will get the chance to defend their trophy in next month's final. It took Robin van Persie just 32 seconds to score via a deflection and get the Phoenix off and running but the Cheese Makers battled back into the game and levelled on 28 minutes when Marouane Fellaini threaded a shot into the corner from 20 yards. The game then failed to ignite and it was clean sheets from Patrice Evra, Pablo Zabaleta and a first from Matthew Lowton that saw Brian through.

The other tie was one-sided with YTFIB suffering from travel sickness on the long haul Down Under. All four goals came in the first half. Wayne Routledge bundled in the opener on 11 minutes, Rickie Lambert got his sixth of the season on 32, Routledge added a second seven minutes later before Robert Snodgrass's free-kick on the stroke of half-time somehow eluded Boaz Myhill to complete the scoring. It was all a bit pipe and slippers for Dean after that.

The teams meet in the final on 22 December. I think I might have booked St James' Park for the game.